Super sleepy today. Went to bed late and slept in chunks, waking up way too frequently. So many different dreams, it was a bit of a cluster of confusion between what was sleep and what was life. I did lay in bed for a bit thinking about what it would be like to kiss him. I've been thinking about it ever since that dream a few weeks ago. Though my instincts feel there is something there, I've been wrong about this before and been hurt so many times to freely put myself out there like that. At the same time I also like that it's casual, that we can hang and I don't have to expect one thing or another because we are friends. At the same time I've been thinking about what it would be like to kiss him, so there's that. Gosh what a feeling, to remember so distinctly the way that someone touched your hand or neck in playful banter but not knowing if it was really veiling something else. If I'm honest, I'm scared. 

I need a tutorial on how to focus at work after sleeping in and watching movies and climbing whenever the hell I wanted for 11 days.

My dream last night took a real unexpected turn.

There was a lot more that came prior to what I can remember. This all happened in some sort of school-convention center-hotel setting. At some point in the story line I was in a classroom and there was a lady teacher asking us questions just for fun, not on any particular subject. She asked us all to come up to the board and everywhere I went, someone else would take the spot right before me. Eventually I got a spot in the back corner. But before she asked us to write anything, I was in a different room by myself. It seemed to be a floor below where there was some sort of convention. I was on my computer and I realized I missed a meeting my coworker set up - he brought in his puppy. I couldn't remember who the coworker was and if I liked him so I was frantically trying to search for him on our company website, but the website wouldn't open, or it would close suddenly. Then I just decided to write him a response saying sorry I missed it and asking if they were still around. Before I could finish, I was suddenly in a hotel room with 3 big beds (mine closest to the door). I was on the bed alone, and my teacher from the first scenario I described came over to my bed and sat there. No one said anything. Then, this girl katy from my high school (who dated ashanti after me) came over and said to me, are you and ashanti kinda a forever together thing? I said no, after which she asked if my woman on my bed and ashanti could be a forever together thing? And I said sure. That would be great. Katy walked away and the lady teacher went and sat at a desk in the front of the hotel room. Katy had been sleeping in the bed next to me, but she moved her things to another bed (not the 3rd bed, so perhaps there was a 4th bed?). The lady teacher would sleep next to me (somehow I knew this). On the 3rd bed was ashanti laying next to this girl cali who (in real life) I met a handful of times many years ago and who also sorta dated ashanti. They were chatting and watching the movie on tv. I laid down and started to text anna because I needed someone to talk to about this. But it was frantic, I kept moving around and dropping things on the floor. I couldn't quite get the text out. Something about needing to talk because I was freaked out that ashanti was in love with this lady and 2 of his exes were in the room with me and they were all buddy buddy. Suddenly a lady investigator was next to my bed asking katy if she was staying in the bed next to mine. She found a bag hidden with a few coins and nick-knacks (which somehow identified katy as the owner, and it was implied the lady teacher had stolen it?). We opened up one of the coins and this huge light came out and we were going up these stairs to some magical land. We got to the top and a creature told us all we have all these extra magical animal-creature "parts" which we can all "put on." For example, there was a cap with wings on it. All the parts were glowing and floating in the air. Apparently it was time to put on the magical parts and fight. 

Also Jim from the office was there, but only because I've been watching a lot of the office lately. 

Dreams

I had this weird dream last night. As usual, not all the pieces fit together, but I was staying at some communal bunker with a group of people and each day when we got back we had to claim a bed. It felt very homeless shelter-esque but it was not. It was dirty and quite communal, but I was there with friends or people I knew working on something. It's all a little fuzzy now but at some point Adam was there. And I can't remember when or how he got there, but I have a distinct memory of him walking behind me down this aisle, and I was taking off a jacket, and then a sweater. And the aisle opened up a bit and I turned around and slowed as he approached from behind, and he smiled at me. In that way I remember he used to smile. And then I smiled, too. Then not a few steps after, I looked to my right and he was ahead of me, grasping the cross-body strap of a bright yellow bag that was laying across a blonde female in a white shirt. I never saw her face, only the back of her head. And he walked off with her toward the exit.

I turned left to go back to the room. A few steps back, I decided to turn and look, and he had parted from her as she continued toward the exit. He instead went to a different exit where he had to show some sort of card or ID to leave. He kept looking through the fence to find her on the other side. There was also a distinct velcro sound as he opened up what I hope was not his wallet. Because velcro wallets!? And I walked back to my bed. Then awoke in mine. With visions of that smile and bright yellow bags.

Her blonde hair had dark roots. Just saying.

I wish I had a romance to share my lovely Christmas tree with.

I've got a lot to do today, but everyone is out and I have the whole afternoon to myself. So I'm taking a quick break.

saturday i met up with 2 great friends, and we spent a lot of time chatting about significant others and children and how we feel about our current life and next plans. both of them have significant others and are planning families with them, and they were talking about having children in a year so they could all grow up together. and they started talking about feeling behind because their friends are already married and having kids, and they're not sure what's going on with their careers, etc. and then my friend said something about getting old and she wants to start having babies soon before she's too old. and i felt totally crushed. heart broken. i am 2 years older than her. and no where near having kids. and i just felt so defeated and sad and alone in that moment. it wasn't her intention, and these moments i fear are only going to happen more and more. but i am becoming so much more aware of my current state than ever before and i hate it but i also don't want to ignore it. im sad today.

I finished Dawson's Creek today, and I cried. I kept hearing people talking about Dawson's Creek lately, the way that you seem to hear more and more about the things that are already on your mind, because you are simply noticing it. It all made me think about Ashanti. Not that I don't already think of him, but usually it's more fleeting. I've also been thinking lately, that perhaps I have had my big loves of my life. I know how I've felt about him, and others. It was real for me and maybe that's what I get. I mean, how many people do you really fall in love with? I'm tired of falling in and out of love with different people. I imagine a man of whom I am proud, and who I am proud to love. Who loves me in the ways I have experienced, and more. And while I think it must happen, at some point. I also think, it could not. I have experienced great loves, though maybe not as long as I expected or hoped for. I'm still hurting from him, I still hope he will show his face one day. But I know him too well for that.

I slept for 9.5 sound hours both last night and the night before. I'm not sick, and I haven't been super active. Must be the damned weather.

It's cold again. Just like it always becomes. I'm feeling a little low on sleep, and motivation. While I dislike the fact that I've spent (wasted?) my whole day hibernating on the couch in the warm blankets, there's not much I'd rather be doing, either. So that's where I am right now.

I have no idea what I did this year. Really. I feel like I did more walking in circles or 1-foot-forward 1-foot-backs than anything else. I miss Kate. I get nervous that the people who I love will move on to do things that I, for whatever reason, cannot be a part of it. Well, not nervous, because it's already happened - a lot. I get sad about it. I watch it happen and I feel it as it happens and know that it must. But it's not enjoyable. The only way to not feel left behind is to ensure that I am still doing all the things I want and can do. It's been difficult lately to find a bridge between those two things, but my excuse now is that it is winter. Winter is here my friends! And so I will hibernate and not expect movement so much from myself or others. Though sometimes it's all I desperately want.

When you find people who believe the same things that you do - I think this is rarer than one might believe, or at least than I once believed. When you find those people, be grateful and cherish those relationships.