It has been quite some time since I've been here. I don't entirely know why. I've certainly thought of it from time to time. I don't know if I've just been living the life and haven't been reflecting on it, or if I just don't know what I think. A little of both probably. One thing I do know is that on some level I want to be here. Part of that, being honest, is fear of leaving the person I was, the person I felt I knew so well, to the person I am becoming. Is the person I am becoming not a writer? Or is the person I'm becoming not paying attention to the parts of me that make me a writer? I don't know which I like least.

But I do know, in this time of uncertainty, not knowing who you are becoming doesn't help. So here I am, reconnecting.

I spoke with an old friend a couple weeks ago. We were talking about books we enjoy and writing we've done, and I shared with him that I once started writing and ended up with 20,000 words down (a quarter of a book??) and then all of a sudden just stopped and I never came back to it. He, as someone who may not know a lot about me but I think gets the essence of who I am really well, made 2 really good points. The first - maybe I just wasn't ready to write the next portion because, well, it just hadn't happened yet. And second, I spend a lot of time dedicated to my career which really reduces the amount of not only time but head space to write and explore writing.

The first made so much sense, it was so simple and yet I either hadn't thought of it or if I had, I brushed it off as an excuse. But he's right and it brought truth to awareness.

He was also right about the second, and when he said it I immediately knew it was right on and part of me was really proud of my work and the other part wondered how much I had denied other parts of me. So many choices we have in life. So interesting that he, knowing little about it, knew that my career was important. One thing I have struggled with my whole life is understanding how I compare with others. For example - I work hard, but how much harder do I actually work compared with most people? I can't know how they feel, and the people who experience their hard work have relative opinions based on their experience. I know how I feel, and I know the outcomes I see - and that's it. I see a lot of people with "better" results than me - does that mean that they work harder? Anyway so that's how my mind sort of never is able to reconcile things and why I just base myself off of... myself. Which usually starts at a place of not being enough, doing enough, experienced enough, etc. So hearing this from someone I trust, who seemingly has an outside perspective, carries weight. And now being away from Ohio, being quarantined, I suddenly have the space to think about these things. And I'm grateful for that.

Life is so different now. Things keep on moving and so do I.