The last few years I've come into the thinking that B happens because A happened - not that A happens so that B can happen. If that makes sense. I've been a skeptic of "all things happen for a reason" and have felt it's more along the lines of, all things happen. And then other things happen. Then yesterday something happened that made me feel like, I would never have been as ready for this to happen as I am now. And I didn't do anything to cause this to happen now, versus it happening earlier or later. But the timing felt right. And perhaps I am now a small believer in things happening interconnectedly. Whatever that means.

My heart is bursting, though. I feel calm (and anxious) but calm. I feel things, and I am sitting with them and not trying to solve anything or force anything. Just being with these feelings. And my heart is bursting. But I know I need a moment. And I know there's no answer, no certainty, just right now. And that's difficult to sit with. But I'm doing it, despite my heart absolutely bursting. And you know, I feel okay about it. I feel happy and scared and confused, but okay about it. And as the days go on, I know I will feel other things, and it will likely become harder to sustain. But I won't think about that now.