Inspiration Tuesday: I am

If I must choose one (regular, non-egotistical rapist baby killer) person in the world I do not like, I know just who that person is. And I know it is for my own insecure, invalidated reasons. At the same time, does anyone ever truly like their first love's chosen companion? Of course we can learn to, but I would question anyone who finds it a natural occurrence.

I have mentioned that I recently started practicing yoga. Due to my general nature of overthinking things, the time to slow down and focus on my breathing, while simultaneously being in a state of physical struggle, has been favorable to my overall state. I also picked up a quick read on meditation and for a lack of better terms, living in the now [instead of the past or the future], which has been insightful in a simplistic sort of way. And I've found, as it often happens when you are focusing (even, and sometimes most especially, unconsciously) on one particular area in your life, you see signs or learnings everywhere you go. Such as this simple little thing:

There is no “When I” there is only “I am.” And it’s just as simple and hard as that. Life starts now. There is no “When I” there is only “I am.” And it’s just as simple and hard as that.

I love it. There is only I am. Although I believe it is not a terrible point of struggle for me, it is still difficult enough to "live in the moment" most entirely because it is difficult to understand what that means and how to put it to practice. In my mind I know that now is now, and each second is just as present as it is fleeting. But my question is, what does it look like to put this into practice? What do I tell my brain to do? This statement, this there is only I am, resonates with me - I can understand this. I can sit at my desk at work and think, I am {this} right now (hungry, excited, settled, patient, nervous...) and I can grasp it and shuffle it around in my brain and find connections or just mull it over for a minute or two. It may not be rocket science, but sometimes it certainly feels like it.

I have always been acutely aware of the way we have set up our society so that what we do now is so that we can gain benefits for our later-in-life, and how we have slowly pushed that back and back so far as to take hold of this belief that the preschool we send our 2 year old to will determine if he/she has the proper retirement fund. While it is entirely true that being reckless with your child's education can and will likely harm their ability to be successful from a worldly and societal perspective, where does the now come into play here? There is an intrinsic push-back to replacing child's play and daydreaming with continuous structure; an understanding that balance is essential. Because there is some small part of us that understands this idea that the way a child lives is both precious and important to our overall human well-being. Part of us wants to live right now with what we have, but our brains are processing so much information about things that are happening elsewhere [whether that elsewhere is location-based or future-based] that we can't. It is not an easy task. I would even argue that it is [wrongfully] looked down upon because of a simple misunderstanding of its meaning.

I have been struggling the last few months with too many philosophical questions around the purpose of my life. And through this process I have chosen to step back from these grandiose movements into a place where I live with who I am right now. I have chosen to stop trying to plan big moves to define my life with monumental meaning, and work with what I have in front of me. I want to take the things that I have in my hands, and make them better. I want to see who I am now, and make that better. I want to be aware of my own reality, not only the one I wish to see.

"Only that day dawns to which we are awake" - Thoreau
If we are to grasp the reality of our life while we have it, we will need to wake up to our moments. Otherwise , whole days, even a whole life, could slip past unnoticed.

The same goes for love. I struggle even today with this idea that love is passionate, but not to the point that it cannot be seen and lived within the reality that is your life. I find myself in this place where I can't be certain if I have really let go of the first person who ever provided me the ability to feel so deeply passionate. And I feel silly about it. But just as there is no "When I", there is also no room to dwell on the "I Was." Today, right now, I do not like her. I am jealous. I am unforgiving. I feel betrayed and insecure. And while I couldn't and wouldn't choose today to be with him, I am still confused and hurt, however minuscule, that I was cast aside. And even though it feels personal, my brain knows that it was not. My brain can make sense of it all and even agree with most things that have happened since then. I do not often think of her, or him, but from time to time I see a photo and am reminded of one thing or another that pulls at me. I miss him. Just as I miss the warm afternoon sun. I yearn for moments with him, just like I yearn to relive those handful of my favorite days spent with friends I no longer get to see. I was betrayed, I was disrespected, and I was cast aside. I don't get to have those moments anymore because she is present. Or perhaps I don't get to just because that is what today is - today is today, not yesterday. Who I am today, what I have today, what I do today, is my reality. Is my life. Is my choice to live. I will leave you with this:

"One practical way to do this [grasp the reality of our life while we have it] is to look at other people and ask yourself if you are really seeing them or if you are seeing your thoughts about them. Sometimes our thoughts act like dream glasses. When we have them on, we see dream children, dream husband, dream wife, dream job..... We can live in a dream present for a dream future. Without knowing it, we are coloring everything, putting our spin on it all. While things in the dream may change and give the illusion of being vivid and real, it is still a dream we are caught in..."