Letter to Myself

Carol,

When you read this, remember that it’s okay to struggle. Not only is it okay, but it’s expected and not unprecedented. In fact, everywhere you look people are struggling. I don’t mean that to say that your struggle is less, or more, unwarranted or even somehow cancelled out. I say it to help you feel connected, to help you understand that everyone has their things. That is, everyone has strengths and things they are awesome at, and things that just continue to make them fall down. You have these, too. On Dec 27, 2016, you went to a yoga class and the instructor read a passage while you were in half pigeon. You teared up. You had just been “dumped” by a guy you had gone on just a few dates with, but who was the first person you felt an honest attraction to since Adam. It felt good, really good. To know your heart can feel things like that again. People said it would happen – it took a hell of a lot longer than you really would have liked, but it did happen. And so when the instructor started talking about almost reaching the top of the mountain, you cried. You’ve climbed mountains before, you know what it’s like. Almost being there, or more accurately… thinking you’re almost at the top and then turning a corner only to realize there is still a lot more to go. You could barely breathe and you stopped what felt like every 5 minutes. At the end, though – do you remember? You turned over the top and saw the view and cried at the beautiful view. Not just because it was a beautiful view, but because it was something you gave yourself, something you made for yourself because of your dedication and perseverance and calmness and resolve and passion to see yourself through to the end. You don’t do this with everything you’d like – because you aren’t perfect. But you did it that time, and you’ve done it many other times, and I know you will continue to do it. Because you care, because you are passionate about your life, and because you want so much. I know it’s hard, I know because I’m you, I know it’s hard to want things and to not know how to get them. I don’t know, I can’t tell you. But I can tell you that I truly think you can do it, and though often times I ask myself – what’s the point? I do this or that again and again and things end up the same. So I change, so I experience… for what? For that moment? I want it to be more than that moment. I want it to mean something to someone else, I want to mean something to someone else. But somewhere inside of me I hope. I know you’re scared; I’m scared right now writing this. I’m scared that I will want things, feel deep desires for things and not know how to fill those desires. I’m scared I’ll always wonder what it’s like to be married and have a bunch of children and a career I love, and to never have that. I accept that today I do not have those things, but I don’t want to accept that I won’t ever have them. I can’t do that right now. I want them too much. I may not feel the same way later, but that’s how I feel now.

It's okay. You don’t have to be perfect, or the best. I know you want to. And when you can’t, you feel like you fail. But all of life’s lessons have taught you that failure is not the enemy. Being less smart, less pretty, less interesting, less put together, less sexy and wanted, less patient...etc. than others around you is not failing. There will always be someone better than you at something, probably everything. Just please be okay to fall. Because if I look at my life right now, you don’t have anything to lose by holding on. The loss you have felt has already come and gone. The loss you have felt, you have felt before. The loss you are feeling is because you felt something once, because you feel something now. It is true, and it is who you are. Today that instructor said, you are almost at the top, you are almost finished, just keep going. And your response was – how do you know? I feel like I’ve been doing this forever and I have no idea where the top is. I don’t know where it ends. How can I keep going, how can I keep struggling, keep feeling loss with no sign of how much longer it will last? I don’t know. You may not know either. Today, this cold, windy day in December, you have no idea how much longer it will be. You do know that you will continue to have questions, because it’s in your nature. You will always ask about more, and about how. That’s just who you are. But you are also compassionate, centered, and have learned a little bit more about what it means to let go. You will be okay because you’ve always been okay. I don’t know when or how you’ll reach the top. I don’t know if the top is when you have a moment where you feel joyfully full and warm and connected, or if it is just getting over some hurdle you are now in. Maybe that’s part of it – deciding what the top of the mountain means. For me, now, it means to keep going. It means to make changes you’ve been thinking about for some time but you don’t know what they mean. You’ve almost made them many times – applying for school, moving, volunteering overseas, letting a man you love take home in your heart, and you in his. You’ve almost done these things; you’ve experienced parts of them. Why not just do them? So keep going, you are in the process of doing them, of going there, of experiencing that, of letting it be as it is. What you are doing is right, because you are listening to your heart, because you are learning yourself and listening to yourself. Don’t get mad because you don’t have the things you want, just keep going with the things you can do right now. Okay? I have trust and faith in you. I have trust and faith that you will do what you need and what you want, when you are ready. If it takes longer than you want, don’t put yourself down. Be grateful for the extra time to learn about yourself, go breathe in the warm air or let yourself go in loud music on an angry run and ask all the questions you don’t understand and can’t solve. Not everyone will understand you – in fact, most people won’t. And you won’t understand most others. But you can continue to try, I think it would be good to do so. And to give yourself the same luxury – continue to try to understand yourself, and to be understanding with yourself. Okay?

And remember always, I have trust and faith in you.

"WILD GEESE" by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.