November

I have been personally struggling for the last 2 months or so, for a myriad of reasons. I do have days, weeks even, that look up, and I feel as though I have finally come up for air. Some days I think I am over the peak and the worst is over. I'm not sure, honestly. I think I have had enough positive days at this point to believe I am at least nearing the peak. But I'm struggling - more than I have in a long time. It is my personal fight that I am going through. It is about change and fear and loneliness and courage and forgiveness. It is about the things I tell myself and the things I accept about myself, and for myself. I find myself sleeping more, thinking more. Wanting to do things I shouldn't. Having to reel myself back in and be still and understanding. I am questioning everything, too much perhaps. I feel hurt and broken and unlovable. I feel misunderstood. I feel angry that I may have done this to myself, and sad for the ways I hate myself and devalue myself. I feel a little lost. And as things become cold and lifeless in this wintry season, I feel stripped of my strength of heart and only like sleeping. I feel stripped of my valor and vitality. I find moments of reserve in the sunset, or long Saturday mornings as the sun rises while I have coffee. I don't know where to turn, I only wake up.