Yoga has been teaching me lately not to beat myself up. Well, mostly it's just made me realize how much I beat myself up. It's a bit amazing to think about how positive and hopeful I am, and also to think how often I tell myself I'm not good enough. I don't know how that works. Once my great friend Anna told me I'm a bit of a walking paradox, so it's difficult to really describe me. I'm glad she understands.
Anyway, so this morning I spent probably too much time reading about what vulnerability really means, and what it looks like in action. I've always thought of myself as having a very strong heart. That is, despite any particular "bad" thing that happens in my life, I rebound and have a hopeful sense that I will heal and things will get better. In particular with relationships, I find myself accepting that anything that ends was for a reason, and still continue putting myself out there regardless of the rejection or wrongdoing I've received in the past. Because I want that connection, because I know it's real. But what I'm realizing is that while I think I'm doing pretty good, there are parts of me that I still, secretly, think aren't good enough. Aren't good enough for what, though? Beats me. Love, I suppose. Let's be honest and quit the bullshit for a moment: it's hard to put your feelings out there. Rejection is risky and exposure is uncomfortable.
This made me think I could probably do good by letting myself feel a bit more. Or listen to myself when I'm feeling something. And instead of being upset that I'm feeling those things and trying to make it stop, try and understand why.
The thing is: we are all going to have a lot of feelings and wants and needs, and we won't be able to have them all met. But navigating through the uncertainties of a situation can be less anxiety-filled if we just stop to ask ourselves WHAT exactly we are feeling and WHY. If I stop and walk through these feelings, I feel so much better. And then I can more clearly see when I am hurt because I didn't get what I wanted vs. a clear pattern of poor behavior, disrespect, or inability to communicate or understand each other's standards, desires, and [healthy] expectations.
Ultimately, I want to get married, have babies, and have a big house where we can all live happily ever after. Yeah, I said it. I want that. When I think about that I get excited and it's difficult for me to tell myself to calm down and not get so excited that I want to go straight there right now. If you want something, you want it, who wants to wait?
Ultimately, I want to get married, have babies, and have a big house where we can all live happily ever after. Yeah, I said it. I want that. When I think about that I get excited and it's difficult for me to tell myself to calm down and not get so excited that I want to go straight there right now. If you want something, you want it, who wants to wait?
Vulnerability comes in being courageous enough to make your want or need known. You aren't needy by having needs, and you can't fall in love if you aren't exposing yourself and your emotions. However, the person you're sharing this with may choose not to meet your need because it comes in conflict with their own - and that's ok. Being vulnerable is being open with our needs and emotions and putting it out there no matter what the outcome, and not placing blame or judgement if that person cannot meet that need.
Ultimately, to be vulnerable, I need to accept that I am enough. To be grateful and joyful, to love with my whole heart, even if I'm terrified, and to let myself [all of myself...] be seen. But that starts with letting myself see all of me, loving all of me with all my heart, and being willing to expose that.
So much harder than you think.
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