Last Friday my mom emailed me: "We have a temporary pet that dad found in the backyard... he’s about 4-6” long, 4 webbed feet and a shell... he’s in a bucket by the back door..." I decided I would keep him and named him Pistachio. I planned to pick him up Sunday. A new pet turtle!
Sunday arrived and as I was thinking about what the little guy may need, I was struggling. I called my mom and she felt the same - how can we take away it's freedom? We agreed to let it go. My mom emailed me this morning: "She is now with her family and friends. She really was unhappy in the bucket. I was sad. I wanted to keep her. But it wasn't good for her."
As I sit at my desk and look out my window, it may be extreme to say I feel like a turtle in a bucket - but there are some applicable parallels. I have always been affected by the weather, and find renewal from being outdoors. It's like the first stretch and sip of water in the morning - but more. It is like breathing. And the sight of open water is like all of the future in front of me stretched and expanded over physical beauty. And the degree to which I feel these things overflows inside of me like a giddy child awaiting a treat. I cannot hold it in. It is life to me.
I saw something yesterday that said something along the lines of if you have a closet for your clothes, a refrigerator for your food, a bed to sleep in, and a roof over your head, you are richer than 75% of the world. Sure, sure - we all know this. I mean we live in a country where we ship (superfluous) products overseas to be manufactured by poor locals so our Chief [fillintheblank] Officers here can be "more efficient" (more rich). All in the name of capitalism! I want my strawberries all year round, dammit! (I do, actually, so I'm going to try not to be hypocritical...) But no one wants to feed the poor because they need to learn how to pull up their own bootstraps (I mean I did, right? They aren't trying hard enough!)
Anyway, I digress. I am lucky. I have two parents who love me. My body and mind work. I am in a country where women are [supposed to be] valued as a full human being. I can eat strawberries whenever I want (if I have $5). But just because you have something that someone else wants, does that mean that you should be satisfied - that you should not question if there is more? It is one thing to act as though you are owed these things that should be counted as blessings, and another to recognize that you have been so fortunate to be able to eat every day and yet realize you are missing some other attribute of the heart or soul that some may say is more, or at least, equally important.
I struggle often with this fight within me, between my physical needs and my spiritual. Between having my 401k and the ability to care for my own children, and playing whimsically in the fields, making music and love and learning from the wise [am I a hippie?]. Sometimes a balance between the two isn't enough. Sometimes it's difficult for me to accept that I cannot live quietly and simply along the side of a mountain in Ireland. Other days I'm quite satisfied with my $12 cocktail that my job allowed me to pay for. What is this conflict? I once wrote in a poem: "I am difficult enough to miss both the moon at noon and the sun at night."
I think it comes down to mindfulness and gratitude. That is, understanding and accepting what you are thinking and feeling in any given moment, and turning that into gratefulness for what you have, who you are, what you feel, and what you want. The world can feel complicated - any given moment can seem like too much - but simplify it if you can! Because guess what - in two hours it'll be lunch time and this turtle in a bucket is going for a walk outside to enjoy the weather and take a deep, full breath of life.
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