Inspiration Tuesday

The first half of this year has been full of transition and the lulls that come between things. Part of me has been incredibly restless - on a search, usually full of ambition and somewhat overly frantic, for what's next - and the other part feeling held back by indecision or lack of clarity or even just plain fear that comes from the unknown. I have read many writings about the struggle that happens before a change, the acceptance of being in the dark, and the letting go into the unknown. I have also had a few afternoons of relentless google searches for perspective and direction. And then I stop and remind myself - I'm probably over thinking this.

What do I want? What makes me happy? It may be that simple, but am I the only one who looks at those statements and sees such a broad, vast space of possibilities? In most circumstances one would think that is a positive thing, but I am almost crippled by it.

I am not so disconnected with myself that I cannot make a list of things in my life that make me happy, or things that I would like in the future. But they seem so in-actionable. I want a garden. I want to live by water. I want kids. I love afternoons at the lake. Writing. Photography. I want to take black and white film photos of my children and develop them myself. Never stop traveling. I don't want to sit at a desk all day. To one day own my own business. These are more qualities of life or things I'm already doing but want to do with someone else one day. 

My gift is imagination. I am always dreaming, always thinking of what could be. Sometimes to the point where I forget where I am and what is likely most probably. I love to express myself, but won't do it with just anyone, but when I can, I have a way with words (if I'm not too nervous and get all cluttered inside). I love to be silly and entertain myself - and I usually am good at doing so. I am a happy person.

My gift is also mercy. While I've struggled my whole life with being able to really see and understand my full value, I stand by my belief that every single human has value - no matter who they are or what they've done. I find myself aching for those who most people may not, because I can feel their perspective. Sometimes I get most angry at people who deny other peoples' worth - who strip them of their value and believe themselves to be better than others for one reason or another. I sometimes have a heart full of hate for them and I have to calm myself. I want people to have second chances because I have an enduring (and perhaps naive) hope that people have good hearts, and it is only circumstance and fear that have us act otherwise. We all want love.

My inspiration today comes from two separate quotes that brought me to these reflections I mention above. The first is:

"Feeling unsure and lost is part of your path. Don't avoid it. See what those feelings are showing you and use it. Take a breath. You'll be okay. Even if you don't feel okay all the time. "

I almost stopped myself from including this because I tend to go on these long rants about feeling lost and needing perspective and diving so deep into my head that I forget to keep it simple. Everyone feels unsure - why do I need so much confirmation? I chose to include it because despite not liking that part of me, it is indeed who I am. And there's nothing wrong with reminding myself to take a breath and enjoy the simple act of being where I am now.

The second quote is:

"What else should our lives be but a continual series of beginnings, of painful settings out into the unknown, pushing off from the edges of consciousness into the mystery of what we have not yet become."

I have this insecurity around the way I feel about things. Sometimes I will quietly tell myself I'm feeling too much - or even that I'm feeling what everyone else feels so what I feel doesn't matter. And so I only share my feelings when people ask. Because I assume no one wants to know and I do not want to reinforce that with someone who handles my feelings carelessly. I am careful about who I share myself with, and so I am hurt more deeply when they do not see that as something of value. It comes from that human desire to be special and tells me that I do still define myself by what the people I care about, think about me. I've gone off on a bit of a tangent, but is that not what reflection does? 

Whatever time we have will be, if we choose, a continuation of changes, some we do not have power over. The truth remains that no matter what, we do not know what tomorrow will be. A new beginning, an end, or some other mystery we never gave thought to. We never will know. Is there not some freedom in that? It has provided me a freedom to let go of my insecurities, and be happy with who I am today. Someone will always handle my feelings carelessly, just as I may do the same to someone else. There is a freedom in that mystery, in the letting go of the outcome. In the truly being who you are and living what you want, today.