There are some good things in my life right now. I spend a lot of my free time calculating finances, looking up flight prices to various places, climbing, or watching how I met your mother. I haven't painted or drawn anything in a long time. I just don't feel like it. I've written a little but it's more for me and less for anyone else's eyes, pretty much completely. Some of my feelings at the moment embarrass me, mostly because I can't rely on them, and I feel more or less adrift in them. Not controlled or consumed by them, but there's an ever-presence to them that means they go where I go, despite the root of them being distant. I'm learning lately the difference between wanting to do something because you're lonely and/or bored verses a choice made over other options because of your keen desire to do things. It's pretty basic yet more poignantly clear in my actions now than ever before. In fact, it's sort of caused me to take a step back from all things, or certain things, anyway. I'm looking forward to being quieter, taking light steady steps.

Like in climbing - there is a difference between a reach you slowly make with purpose and steady movement, one that you reach for evenly and balanced. You are placed, then you move one foot up and when your toe hits the hold, your arm reaches up or out or forward or all of the above in one slow, steady, fluid movement. Fluid. Even. I feel like I'm moving slower than I should be but I know it will be perfect timing and placement. There's a difference between that fluidity and the reach that you have to go for with sheer strength and will and it's a quick jump or push up or push off. There's a time for each.

Speaking of climbing, I have terrible technique. Or actually, I have no technique. I should learn. I need to challenge myself more. What a wonderful characteristic in a person, to be willing to challenge yourself. Requires humility, I think, and strong will and positivity. What a great combination of qualities in a person.