the moon hangs low tonight

I'm exhausted and about to fall asleep. Today was a day. Highlighted by holding Rachel's 2 week old for an hour and a half, and then afterward having little Evie hold her arms up for me to pick her up. I can't imagine her being mine, I'd never be able to let go. That family sets such a high standard that part of me accepts I'll never have that yet also accepts it's better to have nothing than anything lower. I'm happy to just have them in my life. It changes my perspective on a lot of things. Wanting a family, understanding what that really means, seeing how they work, knowing what I want/need. It's interesting to me. And so scary. But simple, too, in a certain way, and makes a lot of things seem petty.

Anywho, I've managed to have pizza for the last 3 meals and I have leftovers. Thrilling, I know. What can I say, my life is stupid. I got a mani/pedi today for the first time and it has been confirmed that I do not like being pampered or having strangers touch my body parts. My nails are really shiny, though.

I can't believe it's Thanksgiving, which is what everyone says, but I'm ok that I have the same uninteresting thoughts as the majority. But I'm also glad it's Thanksgiving, and the holiday season in general, because I feel like being emotionally cuddled by celebratory traditions and things that create superficial warmth. For the first time in a long time, I don't mind sitting around doing nothing exciting with my family, because I honestly have absolutely no where better to be.

I think my father has convinced himself I'm not happy - or not happy enough - and I cannot remember a time in my life where I've felt more accepting of the place I'm in with a strange wafting hopelessness of a way things could be more dreamlike. Every day is a day, and every day is a set of time collecting to larger sets of time without much commitment to the life of anyone really but myself. Loving no one is boring.

I messed up at work the other day and didn't feel afraid of getting fired (not at the moment, anyway) as much as I just felt stupid and worthless. No one wants that. Sometimes it's hard working for someone who's not around.

I think I managed to pick out a new book to read. To be honest, there's just one person I trust to make that decision for me (more than myself) but we're not entirely speaking. Not that that's all I want from them. Just this is one particular unfortunate circumstance on my mind.

I know I'm picky but I hope I'm forgiving, too. I like to think I give people the benefit of the doubt.

I'm talking too much. I might go watch a Wes Anderson flick.