MK baby mama

two of my really good friends are pregnant. for one of them, this is their second child.

SHIT.

most other people are engaged. again i reiterate. i mean i spent a good part of my evening dancing to bootylicious and tears for fears. am i immature? the people i spend most of my days with would say otherwise. whats this gauge that people use to decide when its time for things? i mean, im getting promotions and very happy indeed just with that. i mean, a BABY? right now? fuck. that boggles me. im not event sure i can handle (consciously) being in a semi-regular girl-dating-boy relationship. hell, im so inside myself im borderline selfish. dont get me wrong though, i want that. the whole thing! family tickle time and mountain hiking with the kids and christmas pictures and im excited for it but man i am not ready quite yet.

but, both of these beautiful pregnant ladies are beautiful moms with lovely souls so i am so very happy for them. and i want to play with their babies.

ive been thinking about complacency a lot lately. like, failure vs. coming to the end of your triumph. is it just perspective? thats entirely too relative to my liking. is good perspective only the hindsight kind? or rather the in the moment kind and wont those clash alot? perhaps the best is when they align. but making that happen requires too much thinking, which ive ruled out as anything positive as of late. impulse. i strongly believe our impulses change as the time of day changes and again im back to the highly malleable fear. if im affected by mere darkness, then what am i but.. well, human, i suppose. i succumb to infantile comfort come night. mornings are alot clearer for me - rational. i dont know. this is why we should think on one day as it is. this is also why im frantically nervous to plan for the future. weird circling battle. one thing i can rely on is that i can only rely on the moment i have at hand. its something.