i remember when we first moved in and it still felt like an adventure on every element. the state of my room definitely helped the aura - sleeping on layers of blankets, piles of clothes in the corner. watching movies on our 10 inch television while laying on pillows on our living room floor. doing something that most people really thought was ignorant. and now i live here. where i was going with this was that i havent listened to anathallo since those first few weeks on 119th. and hearing it again takes me back to those warm nights under cool sheets. simplicity really is wonderful sometimes. perhaps even often.
theres was a man on the train today with a guitar and a sense of humor. ideal combo for the ride home. god i would kill for my backyard right now. and my hammock. its almost painful. i really want to go to some concerts but dont really have anyone to go with. its really a shame. oh! Cleveland, the Most Miserable City so it seems my endurance is inherent from my childhood. (but i really do love cleveland.)
my brother in law wrote me another letter. its envelope also held 2 poems and a prayer for me. all of which made me cry - something i havent done in a long time. i will share one:
the time that ive wasted is my biggest regret spent in this place i will never forget just sitting and thinking about the things ive done the crying the laughing the hurt and the fun now it is just me and my hand driven guilt behind a wall i allowed to be built im trapped in my body just wanting to run back to my youth with its laughter and fun but the chase is over and there is no place to hide everything is gone including my pride with reality suddenly right in my face im scared alone and stuck in this place now memories of the past flash through my head and the pain is obvious by the tears i shed i asked myself why and where i went wrong i guess i was weak when i should have been strong as i look at my past its so easy to see the fear that i had i pretend to be rugged and so cool when actually i was lost like a blind old fool im getting too old for this game of acting real tough with no sense of shame it is time i change and get on with my life fulfilling my dreams for my family and wife what my future will hold i really dont know but the years ive wasted are starting to show i just live for when i will get a new start and the dreams i still hold deep in my heart i hope i can make it i at least have to try because im heading toward death and i dont want to die.
confusing a little, and albeit not that great of a read. but this kid is gonna keep me honest with myself and the people around me in a way that no one else can. and knowing where he is and where my sister and sarah are, it breaks my heart every time.
on another note. im finding im scared to talk to you, for two reasons. one being im not entirely sure how i feel, which may be revealed upon seeing you, and i feel okay not knowing - out of sight out of mind has a certain pleasure. (although im sure ill be fine ha) the second being i have a sudden apprehension, discomposure if you may, about your sudden inhibitions. meaning, im wee bit insecure. for the obvious reasons, and semi-warranted i think. im actually curious and slightly intrigued by how things will work out. hmm. well thats enough analytical honesty for tonight. whew.
the way we all fall in and roll down
pushed through the veins and trafficked byes
and when your ears sit under
head is half submerged down below
pooling all accounts of peace while passed beneath the canopy glow
No comments:
Post a Comment