heidi called me tonight. she is so great.. she has such a good, good, simple heart. and i love that about her. i love having that in my life. i never want to lose that. i hate that the world and people have made my heart feel so complicated. although in my most naked moments, it still is all quite simple to me. as much as i enjoy all the random banter, the shopping, the occasional abusive drugs/alcohol.. i would kill for an afternoon in the sun with heidi. pure, and beautiful. thats me. really. its kinda enough..................
its so cute to me that she is so put off by people who:
dont return phone calls
dont really (act like they) care all too much
consistently forget/rearrange plans
(as am i) but these are things i expect from some (not all) people in my life. i often bank on a cancellation more than a plan. which is fine! i know how to put forth a damn good effort when i need to. i have the heart for it. and passion (saved for the good moments...). and i have a rhythm to my life that i understand. that i love. and i am well aware of my issues with not opening up to people. but those issues are with people who also dont open up to me. and thats something i have yet to figure out how to handle, really in any way at all. the people i work with, whom i see most out of anyone in my life, probably know me best. even though i may not want it that way, it is what it is. so you know, one day at a time. i know what i hope for. and im okay with that. its all i can ask for.
ive got to get out of here
i must keep moving forward, or
sideways even
for where i am is an earthquake!
i can only watch so many mountains float away on the ocean before i myself erupt
and where i used to be is undefined, to return would be orphaning
id sooner smile on sleeping memories
so in my cold skin, stirring, ill emerge
hand in hand or by my knees,
onward it is
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