Sometimes I can only think clearly through poetry, or the outline of a fictional character's personality and the way their thoughts are manifested. Which is never in fact clear in and of itself, but the thought of reading some collegiate encyclopedic nondescript outlay of an idea bores my eyeballs. I enjoy(or thrive from?) the manifestation, the thought processes, the connections between generally unfit "things." Because sometimes I feel like my brain thinks in ideas and connections more than terms themselves.

Maybe I just have a poor vocabulary.

I want a girlfriend who I can spend time with, talk with, take out, etc... but I don't want to get constant texts from them when I'm away.

Hmm? Deranged.

<3
Beco

June 14 2011

Ashanti: you wanna start a band and we can tour europe and make a zillion dollars and adopt like 10 african babies
me: ok but i dont have any musical talent
Ashanti: i know tons of people that fake it
me: ok, ill have to learn to fake it
Ashanti: watch some youtube vids. take some notes... youll be just fine
me: haha ok
Ashanti: or! you can wait until i make enough money around my early 30's and ill just take care of you
me: 10 year plan eh? thats very nice of you
Ashanti: yea. like you said i manage to find a way. if youd let me, i would take care of you so you never had to work again. unless you were bored.
me: youre too sweet. i would get bored but id find something to occupy my time
Ashanti: you could do anything you wanted. i dont think youd get bored.
me: sounds like a pretty good deal

frye love.

You got me runnin’
You got me hidin’
Run’ hide’ hide’ runnin’ anyway you want it let it roll
Yeah you got me where you want me now
Baby what you want me to do

I’m going up
I’m going down
I’ m going up down down up anyway you want it let it roll
Yeah you got me where you want me now
Baby what you want me to do

Oh baby, you don’t have to go
No no no baby baby
honey you don’t have to go
I’m goin’ to pack my things
And down the road I go

My fair-haired song choices involve 4 and El Camino, on repeat. Marvelous, really. January has been a big blah. Really for just one huge reason. One huge horrible reason. I've sunk, I think. At least for now. Hmm.

In other news, I eat way too many lean pockets.

There's nothing negative about running away to save my life.

Money is the cheapest thing. Freedom is the most expensive.

xo.

be fierce vitality; young, free, and bold.

We sat on some estranged porch, on an island occupied by tourists and locals alike. It was strangely set up like a western film’s town center on display, either strategically or through the contents of my idealizing mind. We rocked, in our wooden chairs, maybe for quite a short time. Long enough, though, to hear your stories, long enough for your thoughts to impress me. I wanted to hold your hand the entire time.

The afternoon ended too soon, and my apprehension dimmed alongside my curiosity. Every encounter with you is new, I thought, in the most undeniable way. How can it be that I feel as I am re-learning you, every compounded hour. Slaving over tiny details of your mood, stance and expression to have just one non-juxtaposing constant. Your inconsistency has become my stronghold, allowing me to let go or hold back on queue, if you demanded it. Most of all I think I want you to be mine. And moreover, I, yours. In such a complete way that it is unfathomable, insufferable, and thus the most horrific scare of my life. But for now ill lay down my futile heartache for our small intimacies, an afternoon in the sunshine, and unspoken glances of love.

"As you will presently know, I do not like to work, or to be nearer the truth, I do not like to surrender the hours and minutes of my life to anyone, let alone a fogy old employer. I rather like the idea of having all my hours to myself: eating a fudge sundae, watching a movie, sleeping on my couch, singing in the bathroom, studying the woods, kidding around with a girl, playing cards lazily, writing, etc. All kinds of stuff that America brands "shiftless," at one time or another."
--Kerouac, The Good Jobs

i was having a chat the other day about the obscurity of this idea of a new year and how it is abstract, in the sense it is created as a guideline, a sieve, for society. it's all made up but helps filter our brain-stamps into passages of time that are dated.

last year i was doing different things. as i see things around me change, i feel like i need to think about myself and who i want to be. its time to readjust some things. time to spend time away from things that dont add to the good beautiful things i want in my life. and the things i want for my soul.

so i cant ever remember a time ive ever taken note of the nonesense that is new years resolutions, but today, this day, i strongly aspire to look within, to better feed my heart and soul, and to persevere despite my mistakes and my hurt.

i guess thats all folks!

montreal: