parachutes

dangereuse.

sometimes i think i there are a lot of things i will never be ready for. or rather, that i dont feel that i am. only that ill be ready when it happens - mostly because im faced with this something and therefore i must be ready. and it comes together in this beautiful way.

and i also think sometimes i know im ready for things when i start to open up more to it. but sometimes i worry that the cues are off balance somehow - that i dont open up because i dont think im ready, but also that i would be ready if only i would open myself up. and thats really where my confusion comes from. i cant read myself. well i dont quite think that. i guess i think i get in my head too much. but one thing i am good at is intuition. if i could just let go enough to let it lead, just sometimes.

either way, im feeling a bit dangerous. in multiple ways, multiple elements. in body and mind. a little bit terrified.

sliding doors

you are about to board the sue sylvester express. desitnation: horror.

work. enough said.

and then i realized how blonde my hair really used to be:















and thats what i want back on my head.

the train was nice today. quiet, fast, still. dim. but still a mural of experiences. the 30 minutes were more like one single moment. mmm.

MK baby mama

two of my really good friends are pregnant. for one of them, this is their second child.

SHIT.

most other people are engaged. again i reiterate. i mean i spent a good part of my evening dancing to bootylicious and tears for fears. am i immature? the people i spend most of my days with would say otherwise. whats this gauge that people use to decide when its time for things? i mean, im getting promotions and very happy indeed just with that. i mean, a BABY? right now? fuck. that boggles me. im not event sure i can handle (consciously) being in a semi-regular girl-dating-boy relationship. hell, im so inside myself im borderline selfish. dont get me wrong though, i want that. the whole thing! family tickle time and mountain hiking with the kids and christmas pictures and im excited for it but man i am not ready quite yet.

but, both of these beautiful pregnant ladies are beautiful moms with lovely souls so i am so very happy for them. and i want to play with their babies.

ive been thinking about complacency a lot lately. like, failure vs. coming to the end of your triumph. is it just perspective? thats entirely too relative to my liking. is good perspective only the hindsight kind? or rather the in the moment kind and wont those clash alot? perhaps the best is when they align. but making that happen requires too much thinking, which ive ruled out as anything positive as of late. impulse. i strongly believe our impulses change as the time of day changes and again im back to the highly malleable fear. if im affected by mere darkness, then what am i but.. well, human, i suppose. i succumb to infantile comfort come night. mornings are alot clearer for me - rational. i dont know. this is why we should think on one day as it is. this is also why im frantically nervous to plan for the future. weird circling battle. one thing i can rely on is that i can only rely on the moment i have at hand. its something.

tina berrrrrg! thanky for the email.

too malleable. always this fear! finding myself taken by too many types of people. finding myself taking a liking to things at ends. or are they? see, even know i dont know. being safe - i dont want that, i know that much. but being too sculpted. im not sure thats even possible at this point, for im too far along in my life not have some certainties. but i scare myself when i see myself connect with people i dont really like. i can take something from that though, i suppose. and im more scared to miss what i love because i dont have this courage to sort of experience full throttle. or maybe im just different - molded by the insecurities of an uneven and unforgiving world.

too early for this! but im gonna think on it for a bit and expand.

feel good

wally, well done. music really makes so many things better than before. i also really like the Hearts a Mess 3AM mix off mixed blood.

i slept in til noon on my own today. both strange and nice. now im going to buy some books to take my mind elsewhere and beyond.

the millions of paddled palms our cupped hands make

i remember when we first moved in and it still felt like an adventure on every element. the state of my room definitely helped the aura - sleeping on layers of blankets, piles of clothes in the corner. watching movies on our 10 inch television while laying on pillows on our living room floor. doing something that most people really thought was ignorant. and now i live here. where i was going with this was that i havent listened to anathallo since those first few weeks on 119th. and hearing it again takes me back to those warm nights under cool sheets. simplicity really is wonderful sometimes. perhaps even often.

theres was a man on the train today with a guitar and a sense of humor. ideal combo for the ride home. god i would kill for my backyard right now. and my hammock. its almost painful. i really want to go to some concerts but dont really have anyone to go with. its really a shame. oh! Cleveland, the Most Miserable City so it seems my endurance is inherent from my childhood. (but i really do love cleveland.)

my brother in law wrote me another letter. its envelope also held 2 poems and a prayer for me. all of which made me cry - something i havent done in a long time. i will share one:

the time that ive wasted is my biggest regret spent in this place i will never forget just sitting and thinking about the things ive done the crying the laughing the hurt and the fun now it is just me and my hand driven guilt behind a wall i allowed to be built im trapped in my body just wanting to run back to my youth with its laughter and fun but the chase is over and there is no place to hide everything is gone including my pride with reality suddenly right in my face im scared alone and stuck in this place now memories of the past flash through my head and the pain is obvious by the tears i shed i asked myself why and where i went wrong i guess i was weak when i should have been strong as i look at my past its so easy to see the fear that i had i pretend to be rugged and so cool when actually i was lost like a blind old fool im getting too old for this game of acting real tough with no sense of shame it is time i change and get on with my life fulfilling my dreams for my family and wife what my future will hold i really dont know but the years ive wasted are starting to show i just live for when i will get a new start and the dreams i still hold deep in my heart i hope i can make it i at least have to try because im heading toward death and i dont want to die.

confusing a little, and albeit not that great of a read. but this kid is gonna keep me honest with myself and the people around me in a way that no one else can. and knowing where he is and where my sister and sarah are, it breaks my heart every time.

on another note. im finding im scared to talk to you, for two reasons. one being im not entirely sure how i feel, which may be revealed upon seeing you, and i feel okay not knowing - out of sight out of mind has a certain pleasure. (although im sure ill be fine ha) the second being i have a sudden apprehension, discomposure if you may, about your sudden inhibitions. meaning, im wee bit insecure. for the obvious reasons, and semi-warranted i think. im actually curious and slightly intrigued by how things will work out. hmm. well thats enough analytical honesty for tonight. whew.

the way we all fall in and roll down
pushed through the veins and trafficked byes
and when your ears sit under
head is half submerged down below
pooling all accounts of peace while passed beneath the canopy glow

Grocery store

As I was perusing the cupcakes an older man noticed me and said:
"dont do it"
to which I replied
"but they look so good"
to which he replied
"but you look so good"
and I was both flattered and offended.

Damn it. He made me feel like a horrible person for eating a cupcake so I didn't get it.

I called my little Sarah today since she is 6 years old now and when I asked her what she wanted for her birthday she said a dinosaur. A real one. A real long neck dinosaur. Dont we all.

Last night something verrrrrrry interesting happened. Indeed! So good and different for me. I just wish I could tell you about it.

Ok bye.

i pulled these drapes walked these floors once before

i forgot about this song and i re-love it.


work today = brain overload. sticky notes and lists, everywhere. good, but a lot. then i tried to desperately book a flight to houston but did not succeed. i seriously have too many mobile-info devices right now. its making me a klutzomania machine.

get drunk and dance with me?

cranberries

i was wandering up madison ave today from the met. (so cold! and) being a total goofball. doing some random shit and whatnot - as usual. and as kate and christina giggled and just kept on walking with me it occured to me how much it didnt phase them at all. and then realized how much i am like that only around them, at least that much anyway. i dont know what it is. but it makes me miss my mom and how so weird she is. oh mom.



















im beyond tired.
there are some things im not sure about. its not the most awesome thing in the world to think about. but! this letting go of other things (people) that ive been needing to for a long time, i love it. loooooove it. i mean mmm so good. like candy. and hiccups. the best release. cant even explain it. mmm girl.

i havent come home smelling like smoke

in almost a year and i kind of definitely take a liking to it. mostly for comfort reasons. sitting at annas and everyone is smoking and i come home only to strip off my ash tray stank and be all pissy about my hair smelling like shit. actually theres nothing good about that. the past is nice every once in awhile i guess though. there are certain good things about that - anna.

i listened to israels over the rainbow until i got to the 2 then all of a sudden realized that song was really pissing me off and switched it up a bit. i should take my contacts out but im comfy in bed. i just now looked at my clock and saw that it was 5am. really not so bad, considering.

overslept.
so tired.
if late,
get fired.
why bother?
why the pain?
just go home.
do it again.

along the underpass from the A - 2/3 at 42nd. ive seen it before. its actually really depressing. the first time i saw it i was so pumped - reading along as it came, i could relate! yeah! i get what this guy is feeling! but then it just ends like that. such a hanger.

im too alcohol-awaken to sleep. but im thankful. i think it takes a lot to say that at 5am. feelings. hmm. perhaps i should try harder to change that. seriously though. unhealthy. 2010 is my year to figure some shit out.

anyway, once a year, thank god for mondays.
wait, twice. (labor day)
shit! memorial day.

Chocolate

Me and Kate went to Godiva and were struggling to pick what to get and the lady asked if we knew what kind of chocolate the person we were buying for liked best. why can't I buy chocolate for myself?

I'm so tired maybe I'll take a nap. Life after avatar is a bit dull.

love like a sunset part II

dudliness has crept far too close. i blame it on:
1) winter
2) no sarah (/anna)
3) having no time! seriously! (to myself)

i attempted to go to work again today and they sent me home. again. its actually quite amazing what a little r&r does for you cause ive been a little spunky feisty today. and i feel like a normal human being who can think and feel and do. daycations are underrated.

but snowmen. i think she's nervous.

i suppose ill unpack for the weekend

I was walking home from work today just as the kids at the harlem school were on recess. this brightly painted childlike mural in the middle of harlem surrounding a group of 20 or so 6 year olds lined up in all their winter gear, and then all of a sudden they burst forth in two-footed leaps all simultaneously toward the other side of the playground and it was perfect. (the miike snow – silvia in my ears helped a little) but a part of me lit up and I wondered if other people feel things the same way I do when stupid moments like this, which really mean nothing for the most part, touch me so much. That and I wanted my camera so much it hurt a little. I think in pictures, I see things that are happening in stopped time. and I think I literally begin to stress out when I cant manifest that into an actual photo. now im just at home. because alex said I should go home. and I cant even work on what I brought home to work on because our internet isn’t working well. So im laying in my living room floor. Bored. And coughing quite disgustingly.

this month is all fucked up. i kind of like it actually. feels like the old days. when everything was confusing in my head all the strange and fucked up things would happen to me and all i could do was laugh and hang out with anna. its nothing on the same caliber - but still good to visit an old friend. i can see how people may think its lonely, but theres a freedom in being unreachable. it may be my fatal addiction. im not worried about it though - i trust myself. and more importantly, my friends. so i guess ill unpack and stay awhile. why not? i mean 3 weeks, i dont know about you, but shit! i mean, shit! thats no time at all.

homework:

calendar. doing it. excited!

then perhaps..
cards as the holidays approach?
valentines day first.
more exited!

i gotta start somewhere. sticking to my guns.

youre stuck in my mind all the time

ive been wearing the same clothes since saturday night. its really awesome like roses. im generally a trooper about being sick. for some reason this time the shit really hit it and i was out. asprin like candy. completely impaired.

<3 yeasayer: i remember.

schlep schleppy

this may be one of the longer days of my more recent life. i mean seriously. ive used all the tissues and the liquid is just dripping out my nose! and it (being my nose) wont let me blow so im snot fucked. im a coughing maniac. not one of my better moments. and im only 47% done with this day. whew. i wonder what would happen if i just let it keep flowing out. what is this day.

anyway, enough of that. its february and stuff. its cool. january went by fast and i feel a lot of things happened. im quite explosively happy that christina has a job right now. but quite the opposite that my apartment constantly smells like cat. gross! ive been thinking about some things, and other things im scared to think of. should i be so serious? its native to me. i love laughing. felt so good last night. i wonder how many cough drops youre allowed to have in a day. o! i dig this: http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/catalog/productdetail.jsp?subCategoryId=CLOTHES-BLOUSES-FLORAL&id=010007&catId=CLOTHES-BLOUSES&pushId=CLOTHES-BLOUSES&popId=CLOTHES&sortProperties=&navCount=80&navAction=top&fromCategoryPage=true&selectedProductSize=&selectedProductSize1=&color=009&colorName=BLACK%20MOTIF&isSubcategory=true&isProduct=true&isBigImage=&templateType=

that was so long. goodness gracious. im watching lost now.