someday my pain, someday my pain.

i cant look at this picture without crying. maybe i talk about it alot. but to me, it is alot. and fuck, it hurts. like nothing else does.

whats going on

i just dont think ill ever know. i mean really whats with all this emotion stuff i have occurring to me and at me and around me. its just so unexpected - all of it! makes me really think about some stuff and try to understand what i really am feeling. which is okay except that i dont know how to handle any of it really. i dont know. its whatever. i dont feel like talking about that but i do know that i ate too much candy and my body feels nasty. eck.

ive been so cut off from the city long enough for it to feel strange to think about work. and i feel behind. today was fun. oh ohio. you are interesting.

446 miles

A friend of mine once said, emotions pass.
That's no way to live life, is it?
I suppose in some cases it may be necessary.

I had a dream last night I was going at it with this person I know. All the while I was feeling slightly uncomfortable but still going with it. Then we kissed a little bit and I knew I didn't want that anymore so I stopped. Good to know (although I feel I already knew) but an unpleasant feeling to wake up to.

The wind around here blows everything baby. I'm having a horribly strange week - on a personal level. Just feeling a little inundated/insane. Thank you, Friday, and 446 miles.

diamond weekend

i suddenly got a little sad, thinking about the friends i just made and how they arent here anymore. both the individual people and the dynamic of the group was so refreshing and lovely to be around. a little bit of a reminder that i dont have that here and i dont know when i will. i need those good ole midwest people. but to be optimistic, this weekend was really great. went new places, saw new people/things. lots of laughing. heaps and handfuls of smiles.

im really tired/have had a lot of my mind and that might be affecting me, but i think ive been really hurting in the area of friendship. and it has been draining me, not having my people in my life. i havent seen my friends from school in so long and am so far away from them and it really has been hurting me but it was so far away i didnt notice much until this weekend. and im sad about that, but also scared to get to that point again. where i cant even feel them anymore. im glad to go home and regroup a little in a few days.

oh monday, you sneaky bastard.

i have a little bit of a secret

and im pretty sure it has a little something to do with a person who i may or may not have feelings for. and it also has to do with learning to open up sooner so im not stuck on my own trying to figure out if i indeed did/do have feelings for someone or if i just miss something. because, sigh, i never really got the chance to figure it out for myself. and thus, i wonder.

which is okay, i dont force things. but that doesnt mean its not on my mind occasionally.

today, smelly smelly carol.

smokey robinson

went to coffeebox/rebar this afternoon for a little berry pancakes, elton john, and rainy day conversation. should also mention a really great candy shop at the end of the block. it was nice. i wish the view looked more like the one up top there, than the windy mess it really was. im eager for the spring - i would say moreso than usual, but i say that every year. something about the new life of spring makes me feel more alive. i lose part of myself in the winter, and new warmth makes me feel i know myself once again.

overall a rainy, quiet weekend. and a mass of disturbed looking umbrellas left laying in the damp cross streets of new york city. haha oh life. here goes another week. full of work, nerves, but of course, a little adventure.

please be patient with me.

i have come to two conclusions the last few days:

1. i dont have a person close by in my life who enjoys all the things i do in the same way i do - and adds both perspective, compansionship, and adventurous growth to me. this may be asking for alot. but ill settle for just enjoying the same things.

2. sometimes it takes a certain moment for me to appreciate certain music, and also, certain people. i need to see/hear it in a certain light to get it. and to get some people. its rough - not always just being there right away. but then when i see it, i see it.

i need anna.