stream of consciousness:

its thursday morning and i really wish it was friday. work weeks have actually been going by fast: its weird that its already thursday! but im a demanding gal, i need friday. (no, im okay with today just as it is..) ive been here a month and there are days that are frustrating. i desperately want the girls to get a job.. they will be so much happier. so will i. and stand-stills are a bitch. it seems like a lot of my friends are at stand-stills. or, are getting married. hmm. now that i think about it, it really is kinda one or the other. i worry about some people, and am just glad i still have tha capacity to feel like that. others i want with me. some, both. i dont really miss much though - im too removed to understand what im missing. ignorance. i had an embarassing moment yesterday, but was giddy for a few hours afterwards. which transformed into friendliness. because i saw my neighbor on the street and said hey, how are you? then asked, are you just out for a walk? and she said no, shrink appointment. hmmm. oh, ok. (carol, no one just goes for a walk up and down our hill.) anyway. i have this new thing in my life that i cant quite wrap my head around. i think im getting kinda excited about it.. like, im smiling right now. but i may be overdoing it in my head, also. (im sure i am). either way, i feel okay about it. relaxed, and good. but excited. mmm. i do wish i could see sarah. scott has a trial on monday, and its a big one. im tired of typing. have a good day.

juicy

i am an embarassment. i think only to myself, though. for the most part, i really cant help it. its just how i am... i get all giddy and twitchy and start saying all these embarassing words in the wrong orders and sigh. its horrible really. but it is what it is.

hah.

mondays gundays

its funny the things that run through your mind when youre sitting in your underpants [briefs, not boxers] in front of a pair of strangers.

its fun being somewhere where i can do things that i wouldnt otherwise, only because of my location. i had a lot of fun hanging out with rob this weekend. but its not fun being somewhere every day where i cant quite fit in. i know its only been 6 days, but id really love to pass over this beginning part. i actually have something else in mind that im thinking about doing...

documentaries gone wild + joseph gordon-levitt

all these love films make me feel itchy inside. i have been completely conquered by love. a pow. a "some other time" kind of gal. a believer - not a participant. emotionally lazy (and albeit, tired), in response to the emotionally lazy. but ill still go see these.

feat. the world

the more time goes by:
1. the more things connect. in strange, strange ways.
2. the more the same things come back around again (but in semi-different ways)
3. the wilder yet simpler life seems

the people i meet, the people i see places, the places i find myself, seems unexpectant. but who wants expectations, anyway? its too relative for my taste. ive got a massive head-pound in my brain right now and my tum tum wants some food. and its 85 degrees outside. dejalo.

there are things about the past 12 hours have been a breath of fresh air for me, for some reason. (well, the parts that ive been awake.) feels good to breathe a little deeper. and then there were some frustrating things, too. but then theres this outside my window:

in childrens stories, such lessons are learned for life, but in the real world they usually need reinforcing every few years.

high school taught me a valuable lesson about glasses: don't wear them. contacts have always seemed like too much work, so instead i just squint, figuring that if something is more than six feet away i'll just deal with it when i get there. it might have been different in the eighteenth century when people wore nearly identical wire rims, but today's wide selection means that in choosing a pair of frames you're forced to declare yourself a certain type of person, or, in my case, a certain type of insect.

im not tired but everyone else is.
and finally, in copying:

the umbrella's bones

i feel like i have things to say but i dont really have the time right now. and still, a lot of things floating around in my head. i am missing a lot of people right now. im not feeling as lonely - but i still wish i could share things with certain people.

off to work i go.

current update

right now my upper neighbors are rolling around on the floor and banging wooden chairs together.

nervous yuckers

dont be discouraged. although, i am also a bit. its so late, that its early. and thats very frustrating. enough things frustrated me that perhaps i should have just gone to bed at 8pm. but now im here.

dont pay the extra $1 at the coney island sideshow

its sunday and im very ready to just sit and read and listen to music. (and quickbooks.) tomorrow will be interesting. hopefully in a good way.

i fell asleep by 1030 last night. too much excitement for me from the previous 24 hours. my neighbors are vacuuming again. coney island was the strangest experience ive had here. the boardwalk was full of elderly all dressed up sitting on the benches, children biking/blading/skateboarding, multiple languages, & so on. i liked it. some of the benches were surrounded by sand and therefore acted more like a beach lawn chair. it seemed strange to me but perfectly natural for those using them. it was quite nice - the beach, the temperature, the time of day (5/6). the fear of falling through the boardwalk, being half above and half below. the trash laid politely on the ground next to the overflowing cans. the obvious decrepit nature of the entire adventureland area. the sideshow? just funny. the view from the ferris wheel at sunset! wonderful. im still unable to put my finger on why it was so strange.

and the night before was just random. and ridiculous. too many things. too many surprises. too many drinks. there was a driver involved. i really dont feel like talking about it. but, i really liked: buttermilk. ill go again.

spring in new york is nice.

the absolutely true diary of a part time indian

i just got home and ohmy.

grizzly bear

this afternoon i was walking through central park and saw three young mothers pushing around their toddlers in those mini stollers through one of the outfields. they started to race eachother through the grass and it was really cute until one hit a bump and the girl went flying through the air. it was really funny...

on a neck on a spit

my dad keeps talking about how things are progrssively getting worse with my sister/scott/sarah. i dont know any details. is it bad that id rather not know? is it (wrongly) selfish that id rather completely separate myself from it all? be someone not associated with any of it.

dear joe, im not jewish, and i dont want to see your apartment.

people get haircuts at all the wrong times. or perhaps, haircuts are a precurser to things both terribly desired and unreached.
but probably just the cause.
this really has been a pattern in my life.
im not tired.
a man patted me on the back today for a good subway deed.
i dont like people asking about new york, its so unrelatable. and unrelayable.
my neighbors vacuum alot.
'(maybe) youre picky as fuck.' - kyle.

joke vs. mistake

translation.
mail sent via blackberry:

DQoNCg0KSGV5IEkgd2Fzbid0IHRoYXQgZ3V5IGJ1dCBJJ20gam9lIDI4IEpld2lzaCBnb29kIGxvb2tpbmcgc21hcnQgYW5kIGxvb2tpbmcgNCBmcmllbmRzIG1heWJlIHdlIGNvdWxkIGJlIGZyaWVuZHMgPw0KU2VudCBmcm9tIG15IEJsYWNrQmVycnmuIHNtYXJ0cGhvbmUgd2l0aCBTcHJpbnRTcGVl
ZA==

(how) do i respond to this?

there some other things but, later.

title

im laying on the floor in my apartment. christina and kate have gone to mass. its good to not be at home, in the middle of mother-in-law tensions and brother-in-law tales. at the same time, doing everything by yourself on a holiday isnt everything id want it to be.

someone get me out of my head

the train was all messed up on the way home tonight. then there was yelling, and a fight? it was frustrating. but then at one point i was sitting next to these boys who were trying to come up with a cover up story for their parents about the party they werent supposed to be at. their harmless and eager dimeanor comforted me, for some reason. i did go here for a bit before getting stuck amongst the L chaos. other than that i spent alot of the day by myself. i think it would be good to focus my thoughts on the work/school thing i have going on, in lue of the weird things in my head/heart. it will be better for me, i believe. and something i really must do anyway. im not sure what my thing is right now. i do know that i feel young. very, young. in an uncomfortable way. at some point every day. and i ate so many brownies today and it is finally catching up to my stomach in a yuck way.

jessica

"sex is destruction as much as it is creation, right? we're killing the other as much as we're birthing them. it's like those moments when you can't figure out if you love or hate the person you're mating with."

i was sitting in the coffee box yesterday reading everything she was writing about her boyfriend and her struggling friends and her trip to argentina. shes my age. her intricate maps of the things she loves about him. the way she denies both herself and her feelings, only to take scoop of them again soon after. her vulgar! her frustrations with those who plan. her worry for the self destructive. i became suddenly aware of how much i know about her in such an intimate way. i feel slightly uncomfortable about it, maybe because i sleep in her bed. but her words are so much like things id say, ways id react if these things were in my life. i feel connected. more to her than to people i see every day.

im tired alot. maybe from eating less and/or walking more. being constantly aware. having so many thoughts. people here are closed yet vulnerable, willing. they are to themselves, but friendly. they are relaxed, but also professional. its easy to be yourself, but hard for people to see it. i feel like i stand out, but also that others dont really care to notice. theres alot to read. i feel like a child. nothing really feels like home. i feel so connected to the atmosphere, to many eyes. but disconnected on many other levels. oxymoron.

i love my room. the deep lilac walls and wooden closet. the upstairs neighbor vacuuming. the courtyard window. and i love the lady downstairs who is always so helpful to me. and the little girl across the hall with the curly fro and froggy rainboots. i love the view from the top of the hill. i even love the weight of both front doors. like they dare not let the wrong people in. but there is still one thing i long for. more or less specifically. uncertain yet precisely knowing.

en retreat,



























ps cake-shop, 9.30.09. free admission, 2 drinks, and cake.

tuesday is your favorite

where is the chase, and how do i cut to it. one beer and im ready. and then theres her diary.

brown cow/bangs

im just happy anna is a frequent updater now. i enjoy it. please expand about the roommate thing, though. i was gonna do more today, but i got tired of being wet. and umbrella etiquette. and the r train, really. shamefully slow. consistently. yet constantly necessary. i might be getting a hold on public transit. probably not, though. hah. i found a diary in the apartment! i may read it..

sunday afternoon barbie polaroid:

44th at sunset.

"music is one of the ways we make sense of our lives, one of the ways in which we express feelings when we have no words, a way for us to understand things with our hearts when we cant with our minds. music can slip beneath our conscious reality to get at whats really going on inside us the way a good therapist does." this is what music is for me. im forever in belief that i already feel these things, and music helps me to connect with it. when i have too many other things around me.

pigeon toes:

dormant no longer. growingly apparent.

i dont shower every day. today was one of those days. in addition, it was windy. windy. wind warnings. International Pillow Fight Day caused feather tornadoes all around Wall St. and still. at the store today a man gave me a look, passed, and asked, "i dont mean to sound strange, but where do you get your hair cut? im looking for a new place." sorry sir, i cut it myself. and the last place i went was Paul Mitchells for $10. but i appreciate the complement.

shoesies:



















also, cool study

rocketship

its raining alot right now. they really werent kidding about that april showers thing. however i am attempting to make myself weather-irrelevant (with an exception to shoes). i must say, ive made the transition quite well, and quickly.

my entire body is a bit overwhelmed currently. financially. physically. emotionally. career-wise. my thinking patterns are crossing and bumping into other thoughts. its feeling strange in my brain right now.

on another note, though, i wouldnt really want to be anywhere else. challenge is better than latency. uncertain, but better. ill find it. i am so glad to be here.