pretty baby

regal.

loida

why is Lloyd spelled with two L's? Loyd. what if Carol had two C's?
Ccarol.

petite playlist for sunday, march 29 (and maybe longer):
1 empire of the sun; walking on a dream
2 animal collective; my girls
3 iron and wine; boy with a coin
4 neko case; star witness

nickels and dimes of the fourth of july roll off in a crooked line to the chain-link lots where the red tails dive,
oh how i forgot what its like.

friday eve

all by my lonesome self. with some stuff.













i get so frustrasted with stupid people. i cannot be around them. i want to pull their hair out. and yell that they are morons. it really isnt that hard to do what you are doing.. but then i see an old lonely man walking down the street and my heart breaks for him! im psycho in a completely un-map-able way. whatever. its how i feel.

someone has a campfire outside and it smells so sweet to me.

open a bottle of sunshine

today was back to the normal carol. you know, that girl who seems to always have the most random pile of crazy happen all at once and leave you baffled. knowing that, of course, this could only happen to me. only i could get a papercut on my forehead. or spill hot chocolate in.side. my car cd player. (as well as my seat, dashboard, windshield, gears, passenger seat, wheel.. and ME.) there were puddles. mom and i laughed, alot. then, i blew out a tire. ripped to shreads riding on my rims. on the highway going 70. i guess its good i didnt like... lose control or spin over? i wouldnt know. now im rockin this bike tire for 35mph. that these two random guys fixed up for me in a microtel lot. glad i only need the thing for 7 more days. car maintenance is a total bitch. i just laugh. if you saw my tire, you would have laughed too. for hours. like we did. sigh.

joyce

ive been thinking about will all day. blame it all on my overly acute dream last night. cant get it out of my head. such a lame shame. and then my teeth fell out. gina said im gonna fall in love soon.

joyce was perfect today. i told her saturday was my last day! i was a little nervous about it. but she told me that she thought i hadnt been very happy lately! and i was very taken back, and touched, by her intuition. we talked about it for awhile. she can tell i need something more. i love that. i love that (the right) people can see that. and call me out on it. it drives me.

we are always running for the thrill of it

heidi called me tonight. she is so great.. she has such a good, good, simple heart. and i love that about her. i love having that in my life. i never want to lose that. i hate that the world and people have made my heart feel so complicated. although in my most naked moments, it still is all quite simple to me. as much as i enjoy all the random banter, the shopping, the occasional abusive drugs/alcohol.. i would kill for an afternoon in the sun with heidi. pure, and beautiful. thats me. really. its kinda enough..................

its so cute to me that she is so put off by people who:
dont return phone calls
dont really (act like they) care all too much
consistently forget/rearrange plans

(as am i) but these are things i expect from some (not all) people in my life. i often bank on a cancellation more than a plan. which is fine! i know how to put forth a damn good effort when i need to. i have the heart for it. and passion (saved for the good moments...). and i have a rhythm to my life that i understand. that i love. and i am well aware of my issues with not opening up to people. but those issues are with people who also dont open up to me. and thats something i have yet to figure out how to handle, really in any way at all. the people i work with, whom i see most out of anyone in my life, probably know me best. even though i may not want it that way, it is what it is. so you know, one day at a time. i know what i hope for. and im okay with that. its all i can ask for.

ive got to get out of here
i must keep moving forward, or
sideways even
for where i am is an earthquake!
i can only watch so many mountains float away on the ocean before i myself erupt
and where i used to be is undefined, to return would be orphaning
id sooner smile on sleeping memories
so in my cold skin, stirring, ill emerge
hand in hand or by my knees,
onward it is

carol has

poor, poor grip. it comes and goes, but its been quite evident lately. oh tonight.

for the fatherless

today i wanted my hair back. now. a lot of nights about this time, i want to go for a run, but theres no where i can. a lot of nights about this time, i want someone. to sit with, to listen to ramble, to be close to me. but theres no one. no one i want to be with. is that me? maybe i just dont like most people. maybe i just dont let people in. im sick of writing about wanting other people in my life. but damn! i want other people in my life. i love my people. but it is so clear to me how it is time for a change, its unbelievable. im good though. ima make it.

i need an outlet. take that however you want. sorry for your embarassment. but this is me.

wonder wheel

i was at anthropologie this afternoon. i went into the little sale nook they have. its cute. but. there were two mom&daughter pairs in there with me. rudely/annoyingly/quite immaturely yelling at eachother/throwing things. but whatever. but then i got in the corner after somehow maneuvering myself around the flailing arms. and i found myself trapped in that corner amidst their judgmental banter. anyway. one girl asked if i was trying to get by. then says to her mother, "mom MOVE over so she can get out of here and there will be less people in our way!" excuse me? so i left. bitch.

otherwise, lovely day. i have moments when i terribly miss spring in michigan. there are these moments i can remember feeling so.. everything. feeling everything good all at once. its easier to be sad that they are gone. to wonder how/if i can feel that again without these people. i try not to do that anymore. the truth is many people/things like that are for those moments, and often only those moments. its better to just live. today. be me. im tired of being around people who think i give them something, but they give me nothing. i want equal give and get. i havent felt that connection in a long time and its itching at me. im ready for a sweet calm within myself that only spring allows.

okay

today was really good. then a little bit ago it got kinda yucky. and now, moreso. and im glad it can be over by just closing my eyes.

hello good morning how you do

i um have a little more than two weeks and ive got a lot of cleaning to do. no matter what happens in these six weeks, this must be the final break. the cut. im out there.

what a funny day yesterday. work was quite, quite crazy, and i loved it. i went to a club ??(hehe/haha). it was silly, i stared at people most of the time. i haggled an old man out of some dollars. i miss anna. i hope she misses me too. i just want summer with her. my elbow really hurts...... my grip is horribly faint, and my hand is twitching. what a poor left arm. am i becoming handicapped?

570 44th st. apt. 5

tired, but not.

i have to wake up (remain awake) in (for) 2 hours for work. when it comes to you, im always a last thought. sigh.

shows i dont like watching.

kanye is on american idol right now. and he sounds really, really bad. but, he is in a denim button up. ha! (he is also in denim pants and a denim jacket. and black leather gloves?)

i guess i could have just said jeans. anoop?
i love the resees peanut butter egg commercial.

one year ago = pacifica.

the great kate reiner

i wanna do this..


















man on wire = neat. but im all of a sudden so sleepy.

far away/but actually really close.

i really cant keep having this same fight over again. its really breaking. and questioning things about me that i really feel you and i shouldnt have to. i really dont appreciate it. especially from you. and now that old relationships are completely unfamiliar. and new ones a bit too fragile. ive been feeling so mucky! i think right now its good that i recognize who cares or not. cause i dont have room, or the heart, for anything else. theres too many other things. changes. who decided that the transition this season would be on all accounts? all accounts, it seems. its quite a bit to get a hold of, even for me. but im glad for christina. we have to at least try. yes?

step up

love the weather. love. i have finally joined the world of skype. pretty nifty. theres a place in sunset park we've just about settled on. urban camping, christina says. should find out tomorrow if its a go. april 1 is the day, kids. still waiting to hear which gap ill be home to, should know next week. it doesnt seem real. but it is. ive got a $2 bill to show for it. im gonna miss the people at work alot. it doesnt seem like it, but ive been with them for 8 months. theyre wonderful. packing. sigh. ive still got a couple weeks until i have to think about that. im not gonna miss much, other than sarah, and the stars on summer nights. i just. cannot.

im a (BIG) fan of this:

but not other things.
thus, less talking.less me.more photos.more looks.
rockin. see you.

merdi merdi moo

want:

and chips ahoy chewy. (and a job/apartment?)

love friday mornings with lisa/sarah.

baby girl was sick. (and looked it.)

feel pretty shitty today. and too many feelings.

feel like laying down to some weeds/entourage. lend me?

blpth.

carols cupcakes

i have always wanted to own a bakery...
i think in 10 years ill give it a try.
hello march.