inexplicable:

i have the most mystifying, unfulfilling crush.
and i have for the past 1.5 years.
i dont get it.

skin.breakable

oh things. many messages lately from friends. ones i havent talked to in a long time cause im no good at keeping in touch. i dont know where to start and i dont feel like being on the phone. but i miss alot of people. it seems ive come to that place where all ill ever be doing anymore is catching up. unfortunately. but im here.

im over frou-frouing. id rather just throw on jeans and a guys tshirt. and sit in the park or on my roof and read. so much more natural. i miss my family. i wanna take old-timey photos at the beach. with frilly suits and big hats and curvy sunglasses and wavy hair and freckled children. its nowhere to be found. its hot in my room. my hair is long. tuesday schloosday. lately i think about you.

theres something to be said about initial intuition.

no daddy

9 years prison.
ive had the worst week ive had in a long time.
and, i cant find comfort where i used to. makes me really sad.

thunderstorms

i understand why people say they arent ready to talk. cause im there. there were big thunderstorms all night. series of mini tragedies and mini miracle moments. giving up one thing for another thing. sleeves still in a fold. wet curtains. blows come in bundles.

ikea plays some really good jams(z).

i enjoyed today. i went to central park uptown west and it was really quite nice. the upper west side is really calm. i layed in the grass for a little while. then met up with kati and went to soho and to ikea. it was a long day, and im wiped. while we were waiting for the water taxi, the girl behind us asked her mom why we breathe. the mom answered, so we can be alive. then a man working on the taxi practically asked kati to marry him. then a man in ikea told us we were breathtaking. i dont know what happened today cause i was strung out on sun and sleeplessness and foodlessness/food drunkeness. and i was being such a clown in the store. it felt good actually. and i like riding the bus, alot. at night anyway. i hate how my body feels right now - on several levels. but its good to be home and in "bed".

tomorrow is stupid monday.

"eventually, everyone ends up in new york."

to see the city, not to see you.

i want to go to this:

http://genart.org/special-programming/i-heart-genart-benefit-event

Gen Art is on the floor below me and i always watch them on the elevator and peek in their floor. a girl i work with used to work there too. i embarassingly think they are so cool.

these city walls

it always comes back to this. its a cool may evening. standing, balancing on the curbs edge. awaiting the signal to cross. arms lay light - neck heavy. wind blowing hair around my face. a whirlwind, tornado of directions. a slight shiver bites my eyes. the corners clipping to tears. i am alone, deserted in cross streets. i am still. i want nothing but to be still. and for you to join. i call out for you but cant take hold. i look no longer for the right moments. but instead allow them to find me. i am myself. i make no sense but i know just how i feel. how is it possible to feel so disconnected from and superconnected with everyone at the same time? will no one ever know this skin? or is it i who disallows it? untouchable. i refuse. it must not be possible to feel connected to something nonexistent. or do we breathe in nonrealities only. why must i feel embarassed for my own purities? for my own self? for my own separations? youre a bastard. a lying son of a gun. but im too young to know.

and youre too far away to care.