goodbye brooklyn

hello harlem.

losing your shoes.

friday night. alone. sleepy. television. blankets/pillows/couch. dark. empty apartment. worn out. early morning. long saturday ahead. i mean long. nervous. stuff in my head. stuff in my heart. stuff in my head. stuff in my heart. worries. warmth. stuff in my heart. unknowns. saying goodbye to the big hill and the park. money struggles. alone. im glad for when its tomorrow night. stuff in my heart. losing comforts. having to find new ones. blankets/pillows. cuddle. touch. i have a closet! i need a bed. stuff in my head. stuff in my heart. sigh.

uncomfortable

i had a dream last night that i was riding on this train and i got off for some reason. oh wow i just rememebered that before i got off, i was laying around with some friends - a strange group. and we were laughing about something and all gathered for some reason. and then i saw mark kinda far away and he saw me and waved and came over. and then everyone else was gone and his daughter was there (but i think he has a son not daughter)and i was playing with her. then she turned into a plastic toy. then i was running outside the train. and its somewhere ive been before in my dreams. because as the train passed by i knew i would have time to get back to it. so then i was running in some open field until i realized i had to get back. so i was crawling in some tunnel following the tracks but then the track split and it never has before. so i turned around and two guys were behind me so i asked them where they were going but they ignored me. so then i saw another guy, about my age but maybe slightly younger, and he said well im trying to get to new york. so was i, so we went down the stairs to the station. and he bought my ticket for $41. then we got lost trying to find the shuttle.

the economy has me down today. tonight we'll be in our new place but without internet so i dont know when ill be around. i have worries. i chose this for myself but now i wonder why. and now i feel like i dont belong much here or there. its raining. i dont want to always be like this. i need something comfortable if only for an evening.

sparks

beauty.


















im worn out. ive been klutz-mania lately. getting my clothes caught in doorways and barely keeping my shoes from within the train rail. cant get sentences out. my head is everywhere else. tomorrow we sign our year lease and its really something else to be here. my stomach is unhappy right now. i need furniture. my heart is confused.

ohio

there seem to be a lot of things/people right now that are things i like, but still have thoughts about whether or not i really, really like them. it makes me wonder if i cheat myself. its so green and peaceful in ohio, i really do like it.

distant but consistent. you are.

i wish i was sleeping

im leaving to go to ohio in an hour and a half and havent gone to bed yet and probably wont. its just a waste at this point. and im too tired to think about the restrictions so ill buy stuff i need when i get there and take it back here with me in the car. i know im getting sick i can feel it in my throat and nose and eyes. i might make a sandwich. im not really looking for a relationship, i just want to meet people, make friends. have jokes. i had thoughts earlier but i cant remember now. im reading klosterman, which i like, somewhat. i like when he speaks about things like mcdonalds. not so much morrissey. so i skip around alot. which makes me feel like im not really reading a book and makes me just want to stop completely. but ill skip some more. i like shoes.

moving is annoy. ing

nothing new to say

i feel really alone this morning.
like no ones on my journey with me.
and i really just want to hang out with my mom.

twelve day to-do list:

-figure out how to transfer a title while not in ohio
-transfer that title
-sell car
-get car money to my hands
-get credit check
-make down payment
-move a shitload of shit across a shitload of miles without a vehicle
-move a whole other group of shit across a lot more miles without a vehicle
-avoid current tennant board ("youre not supposed to be here anymore.")
-inform parentals im not returning to ohio
-and that ill instead be in harlem (maybe?)
-and that i have a completely different job than they thought
-pack
-clean
-figure out why i dont have power & fix it
-not freak out

maybe sleep a little.
try to make money.

my mind is like an orchard

clustered in frozen portraits
blossoms that bloom so fine, just to drop from the vine
ive seen them all tonight

the train was a total circus yesterday. a hunching old man in serious forestry apparel ran down a little boy for a seat. a coked out fellow across from me kept yelling he didnt have a gun, so the police should stop chasing him. there were even jugglers. and a very large woman that could very well have been classified as a sideshow spotlighter. i mean i was wondering how she did shit.

me and kati went to to 1849 and wicked willy's in the city last night. both were enjoyable! the first for the very friendly atmosphere and cheap drinks. the second for the very appealing dance party. we made friends! i have 3 new phone numbers! then there was some other stuff later.. but thats for conversations.

im going to look at 3 apartments in harlem now.
eee!

im tired.

full stomach

im sitting in my apartment. full of fruit snacks and grilled cheese. watching sex and the city, surfing kati's computer, in the dark. because a fuse blew the other night and none of us are really motivated when it comes to homely/maintenance things. so i use flashlights and candles in my room. and have no computey. or alarm. but we have dvd power! so its fine for now.

sigh. to be in new york. work is getting busy! and i love that. and i have no money. i dont think i will for a long time. but i feel good today.

an excerpt

(after the tsunami in southeast asia..)
the phone numbers of aid organizations would skitter across the bottom of the tv screen, and i recall thinking that if they wanted serious donations, they should have shown a puppy. just one was all it would have taken. it could have been sleeping, its belly full of the malnourished children we'd seen on the previous night's broadcast, but none of that would have mattered. people who had never before contributed to charity emptied their pockets when a cocker spaniel was shown standing on a rooftop after hurricane katrina. "what choice did i have." they asked. "that poor little thing looked into the camera and penetrated my very soul."

the eyes of the stranded grandmother, i noted, were not half as piercing. there she was, clinging to a chimney with her bra strap showing, and all anyone did was wonder if she had a dog. "i'd hate to think there's a scottie in her house, maybe trapped on the first floor. what's the number of that canine rescue agency?"

the sight of an iguana sailing down the street on top of a refrigerator sent a herpetologist friend over the edge. "she seems to be saying, 'where's my master?'" he speculated. "here it is, time for our daily cuddle, and i'm stuck on the SS Whirlpool!!!"

i giggle on the train alot because of this man.

out and about.

i think
if i stopped for a moment
and really thought about the things going on
with lisa
i could sit and cry
every day.
just for a moment.

but i dont.
in the mean time....
today sitting on the steps outside waiting, i suddenly felt far away from everyone. didnt really feel like there was one person i was close to. the other day i was walking to work and someone drove by with their music up loud. it made me think about home and how, between walking to get the paper and back to the house, 12 cars would go up the street blazing their music. it was typically 17 year old guys. and then i dont know why, but it dawned on me that this is such an old city. and i think thats why i like it. thirty somethings are having their first child - not 23 year olds. which surrounded me before. it feels nice to be in a place where its okay to be 22 and not have all my shit together.

ill be thinking of you tomorrow

i noticed my hair is about an inch shorter on one side of my head, since i cut my own hair. i was so loopy feeling today. a total clown. it feels good. sex and the city is not what you think - let yourself slide into a few episodes and youll really understand carrie. i havent a hell of a clue what im doing. its okay for tonight.

FRIDAY

so many things ive noticed and havent written down or taken photos of.
changing that, soon.
friday, big sigh.

in the air

i find myself not having enough time for me. not having enough time to think, to take in, to explore. not having a way to describe how i feel because i dont have the time or energy to really notice how i feel. or the energy to approach some of the things i know i do feel. its frustrating. i want to stay who i am - love what i do. but right now i dont have the leisure to let my mind and soul frolic, at least not noticeably. i am fearful of losing awe. no matter how carefree i often am, im learning that i cant survive without some sort of certainty behind me. i need a deep breath. but it wont come to me for another couple weeks. i have to hold tight for now.

stamps

you dont need to be in a long term serious relationship to wake up one day and feel so far away from someone you used to be so close with, know so well.

its heartbreaking. letting friends go.

so often i find myself wanting so much

chicken. but its also true that i go through food cycles - i want one thing for a month every day. then it changes. recently ive gotten so honest that i may have discarded courteousy. i prefer honesty.

today i went here and it was nice. (i got some owl apparel.) im excited to shop etsy via non-computer screen soon.

thoughts on the opposite sex:
on many occasions i dont care when someone calls - prefer if they take their good ole time. prefer that fine line of being an ass. prefer not being pursued, as it just feels like nagging. but theres a recipe to my affection that requires a casualness mixed with confidence, an independence with a pinch of vulnerability, and a tsp of various other ingredients. its undefined. call it a bubble; call me stubborn. but i didnt order this. i like who i like. (or more often, dont.) and i dont really care much otherwise.

unless im in it. cause then, im in it. its quite unfortunate.
but i feel good.